Ever had a day, a week, a month, or a year where you feel as though your life is spiralling out of control? You’re free falling without a parachute and your only wish is someone will catch you.
Every day since the 9th November 2011 has felt that way for me. How can a person continue to be strong? It’s impossible to keep waking up every morning when your life has been changed forever. I listened to a lot of music from Rascal Flats, and their beautiful song – ‘forever’ (it wasn’t long enough) that year. It is one that gets me every time. Another one of the group’s songs, ‘I won’t let go’ has been etched into my heart forever – it’s ironic how the two tie together for me with unified significance.
So many people have lost loved ones – I know I am not unique, and some people have lost their entire family in one day. Death, sorrow, and pain touch every single one of us in this life in varying forms. It’s not fair. I feel frustrated and want to scream and shout – be angry with the universe, but I am only an insignificant blimp compared to the vastness of said universe.
I believe everything happens for a reason. It has to – right?
For me, without that belief, what would be the point in all the pain, loss, and suffering in this world? Is it there to make us stronger as individuals? Is life about survival of the fittest? Is this called endurance training?
So many questions are buzzing through my subconscious when I sleep, and my conscious thought is baffled by the emptiness of reality. I want to sleep – to dream of better days, but I know the dreams are not real. I wish they were. When the waking nightmare continues for eighteen hours every day until I can close my eyes again and rest I wonder, where do I get the strength to go on from? I have been in dark places before, but as stubborn as I am, I refused to lay down and say die. Everything has to happen for a reason.
‘You can’t give up,’ I kept telling myself.
I have dragged my sorry ass out of the pit of depression numerous times to continue with my existence. That’s what I call it. I don’t believe in taking drugs; medicated or illicit. Doctors tried me on that at one point in my life when I was really low and it led me down a suicidal path. I swore never to go down that path again. It’s better to deal with the loss and feel the pain. Let it shape who you are going to be in life.
I refused to turn to medicated drugs when my father died. That year – if anyone needed saving, medicating, or help in 2011, it was me. I didn’t just lose my dad that year. I went through a divorce, buried a lot of friends, and walked away from my entire life when our home flooded while we were at my uncle’s funeral. We came home to a house filled with decay, mould, and our family heirlooms were lost. Mother Nature’s bitch slaps were the final blow to knock the wind right out of my sails. Numerous devastating blows in a very short period of time – I still don’t know if I have managed to bounce back. I highly doubt it, but I am still alive, and that counts for something.
The year of 2011 began with Mother Nature beating rain, floods, and cyclones at the East Coast of Australia – where I lived. It also was a special time too. It lead me to the discovery of the most wonderful man, who in our brief time together gave me the greatest gift one person could give another – he gave who I am back to me, and a love I will never forget.
My dead-beat marriage had taken so much out of me that I didn’t recognise myself in the mirror. The divorce was another nightmare, but this wonderful man entered my life, raised me up from the ashes, and made me believe in myself again. I will always think of him as my benefactor.
I fell in love with a man without a face. His voice held me, brought me great comfort, and loved me with every breath. I know he was very real, even though he wasn’t honest with me about a few things, it didn’t matter. Our paths crossed a life time ago – we had our moment, but it was over too quickly. Lost for fifteen years, but not forgotten, he found me again. Fate catches you when you least expect it, and can take your breath away. I fell hard and fast for this smooth talking ‘labourer’ turned mechanical/electrical engineer. He swept me off my feet, and was my own personal ‘Christian Grey’ in so many ways. I loved his past – it was woven with mine, but we never spoke to each other. I would have been in the same room as him many times, and never have known it. He was a good man with a generous heart, and was an idealistic dreamer like me. He made his dreams come true. He made me believe I could make mine come true too. His revelation about his obscene wealth scared the crap out of me – I wanted to run and hide. I was dumb struck, and didn’t believe him. His presence, and his commanding tone were enough to melt my bones – that was all I wanted; a man I could look up to and respect. A man who would love me the way I deserved to be loved. He deserved his ‘wealth’ – he had worked hard for it, and I didn’t feel worthy of it. I was stupid and fearful of what people might say. I have never loved for riches. I never had much to begin with, so I never really cared to give myself over to dreams that were better off left in fairytale story books. I didn’t believe a man like that could exist, far less love someone like me – a nobody. But he did, and I thank him for loving me.
His dangerous-high-demand job proved to be a challenge for us, but his disappearance was much harder on me. I cried myself to sleep every night, but had to go on and believe him dead. That is what I did. Thanks to this man, my father and I had the best year. We communicated like we had never done before. When dad died, I was finally at peace with him, and I have my Mr. Wonderful – my man without a face to thank for it.
When I’m feeling like I can’t go on, I will sometimes listen to the last message he left me on my answering machine. His words keep me strong, and he’ll live in my heart forever.
I can do this – this thing called life. Living, breathing – ‘existing’. I’ve come so far. I should have died in 2002 in a car accident, but survived. I should never have been able to carry a child, or walk again, but I dared to defy and conquered. I have screwed up big time, and pushed forward carrying the burden. I have spent my whole life looking for love, appreciation, and affection from a man I could respect. In Mr. Wonderful, I think I can honestly say, ‘Mission accomplished.’
The things we lose in life when compared to the things we gain, can stop us from free falling. It’s knowing when to spread your wings, let got in faith, and fly that will stop you from hitting the ground.
That is all.